The Neo-Deal

Al Gore threw his considerable heft behind Barack Obama, perhaps forestalling our eminent demise at the hands of nature (see “The Happening,” the Neo-Dealer raves, “It was not the worst movie M. Night Shyamalan has made (though it was the second worst (see “The Lady in the Water”)).). The stampede of undecided independents was audible. Hopefully this will be enough to entice Green Party spoilers from nominating another Ralph Nader and ushering in a third Bush term.

Al’s endorsement came long after that of former presidential candidate John Edwards. Like Paris Hilton, John Edwards doesn’t actually “do” anything, leaving him ample time for endorsing.

Who will be brave enough to give the next endorsement of the only Democrat left in the contest?

Still a long way from the general election, we can take solace in Marky Mark Wahlberg’s advice for surviving the happening, “We just have to be alive when it’s over.”

More fundamentally, McCain’s problem is that his party is unfit to govern. As research from the Republican pollster David Winston has shown, any policy becomes less popular when people learn that Republicans are supporting it. If the G.O.P. sponsored the sunrise, voters would prefer gloom.

David Brooks, 6/3/2008

The gig is up. All along the dumb ideas Republicans have been supporting were just a ruse to get the opposite done. The famed Republican “compost touch”, where everything they contact turns to rot, has been used to great aplomb in reversing public opinion on issues from gay marriage to lower taxes.

Well played Karl Rove.

Last month Barack Obama raised 55 million dollars, breaking his own previous record and making Hillary’s $35 million seem quaint in comparison.

At this rate of growth, ND extrapolates that in October, the month before the general election, Obama will raise approximately 1 quadrillion dollars, or roughly 10 times all global wealth.

In light of these figures, Obama has outlined a new economic plan: He will offer taxpayers a $700 rebate to directly compete with the President’s plan, in addition to buying everyone’s house. Some money will also go to financing the NAFTA superhighway, including building a tunnel under all of Ohio.

In another blow to Clinton, her chief strategist Dopey Malchance was hired away by the Obama campaign after being offered a kingship in one of the minor island nations recently purchased by Barack.

Responding to recent economic turmoil, Obama has suggested we reorient our economy towards more robust sectors, like campaign finance. “In China they’re training 10 new fundraisers for every 1 here in America. Ten year olds in India can orchestrate a self-sustaining viral Internet grassroots donation machine on their own. We can do better and we will do better. I will guarantee subsidized college education to anyone who can bundle 10 top level donors.”

Republican candidate John McCain still plans on running a shoestring campaign using only public money. He’s also got a new message aimed at poaching some of Obama’s hip youth vote: “This campaign is going to be totally retro. We’ve got some inoffensive radio spots in the works, and my cross-country train tour will kick off next month. We’re also bringing in some of America’s most incendiary pamphleteers, because I’m not afraid to shake things up!”

With their ever increasing attention spans and love for the written word, ND predicts that Obama may need to check his base before McMania sweeps over all the youth.

Poll

A new Pew Center poll asks respondents their view of candidates’ toughness. While both Democrats face characterizations as “Not tough enough,” John McCain polls at an unprecedented 25% of people who say he is “Too tough.” This raises an interesting question, can a president be too tough?

At least one person doesn’t think so. President Bush finally gave the senator his official endorsement at a White House ceremony. It was a lively affair with both of the president’s supporters in attendance.

An aide showed the senator the report, which McCain took with a grain of salt, chewing up the paper than spitting it out. He then proceeded to do the same to the aide, claiming the young volunteer had looked at him funny.

To get the scoop I traveled to Arizona to interview McCain at his favorite Tucson diner over a bowl of nails and sawdust (John’s choice):

ND: How do you plan on softening your image prior to the general election?

JM: Well, first off, no more kittens for breakfast.

ND: Will you scale back some of your Iraq rhetoric, like how you would keep us there 100 years?

JM: No, and I’ll tell you, while it may only be 100 years, its gonna feel like 1000 years to the Iraqis.

ND: Might you consider limiting proposed cuts to social programs for the poor?

JM: This interview is over pinko!

How will Obama’s recently discovered ability to heal with only his words impact the healthcare debate?

This major revelation came to light at a rally this past weekend for the Illinois Senator. Just released, Obama’s new healthcare plan calls for all sick people to be cured. The projected cost is $0 overall, which translates into roughly $0 per capita. While releasing few details, the plan will supposedly be funded with change from the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Clinton’s plan, which relies on old-fashioned medical care, carries a heftier $124 billion price tag, or approximately $124 billion more than the Obama plan. Crucially, Obama’s plan also carries no mandate. At a rally in Cleveland, Obama said, “Unlike my opponent, my plan will never force a sick person to seek a free magical cure from the government.” This lack of a mandate is expected to help Obama pick up certain key swing voters, including both yahoos and separatists.

The McCain camp has countered with a new health plan expanding on the purchase of cheap drugs from Canada. Basic economics teaches us that shipping products across the Canadian border lowers manufacturing costs here at home. It stands to reason that later shipping the products back to the states will further lower costs, by exploiting economies of distance and time. Jack Kemp, one of the senator’s chief economic advisors had this to say, “We have a robust plan to import all our healthcare from Canada. We need a market-based solution, not another liberal big government idea like magical healing. While our plan actually reduces the number of insured people, this will be more than offset by the vast improvement in care for the few who will still be able to afford it. ”

My 2 cents:
I’m part of a small but growing group of young intellectuals who believe that Obama-style magical healthcare is a smart solution. The specter of the healthcare crisis looms over our heads like a phantom apparition haunting our 75-year budget horizon. While the romance of a Canadian-import based healthcare system is hard to dispute, I simply feel that magical healing provides more long-term stability. Its said that you get what you pay for. Obama’s plan, which is costless, is the exception that proves the rule.

Tomorrow’s major primaries in Ohio and Texas will likely be a referendum on magical versus traditional healthcare. We can only hope the voters there have appreciated the nuances of Obama’s vision for America’s failing healthcare system. As they say, if something’s to good to be true, you should buy it before the price goes up.

Warning: You should always consult your doctor before switching medications to podcasts of Obama’s speeches.

Panama’s favorite son may not be eligible for nation’s highest office (America’s not Panama’s)

There are but three constitutional requirements to be president of the United States: be 35 years old, live in the United States at least 14 years, and be a “natural born” citizen. New reports suggest that John Sidney Noriega McCain III may not qualify. First the facts: Carbon dating on rudimentary cooking implements found at McCain’s desert homestead confirms that the Senator is roughly treble the required age. Additionally, contrary to conventional wisdom, The Arizona Territory has actually been a state since 1912, meaning McCain has spent ample time in the lower forty-eight. It is the third requirement that has constitutional scholars in an uproar.

Though an American citizen, McCain’s aquatic birth actually took place in the Panama Canal. His father, an admiral, famously rid the canal of the last vestiges of inland piracy. The younger John first distinguished himself wrestling middle-weight crocodiles, earning himself the nickname McNasty for his complete dominance of the cowardly reptiles. A maverick even in his youth, he led a successful surge to limit the salaries of all domestic workers on the Air Base to $2,300 a year. Despite his auspicious upbringing, McCain may face an uphill battle convincing strict constructionists, like Justices Scalito, that Panama is in fact in America. In response to press inquiries regarding his eligibility McCain declared, “I’m as American as sancocho de gallina and carimañolas.”

This revelation has lead to some divisiveness, even among the Republican base. Cy McGill, founder of Electrified Borders, said “Everyone knows that foreigners steal our jobs. This is just the latest incarnation of an invidious trend. If a Panamaniac will do the job for 10 cents an hour, how can natural born citizens hope to compete?”

Yet might we already have had an alien president? Rumors have circulated for years regarding Chester A. Arthur’s probable Canadian birth. Whether he was actually born in Canada or Vermont (which is apparently not in Canada), that capable Canuck finally ended cronyism in the civil service.

Fortunately, should McCain be ruled ineligible, the Republicans have a deep bench to turn too. While democratic frontrunner Barack Obama may have the support of certain marginalized demographics, including voting age Americans of all races and genders, he lacks the integrity of leaders like Alaskan Senator Ted Stevenson or the charisma and crossover appeal of a Joe Lieberman.

In summary, foreigners pretending to be Americans like John McCain have contributed greatly to this nation, from President Arthur to Dr. House. Like Alexander Hamilton before him, don’t let McCain’s ignominious birthplace lead us to another eight years of Jeffersonian mediocrity. A vote for McCain is a vote for America’s heritage.

Paid for by Schwarzenegger 2012