In financial news today, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, or Light Touch Tim as he’s known on this blog for his penchant for insulating the market from regulation or even scrutiny, unveiled his framework for bailing out the banks. I had the privilege of attending an inflation conference at the New York Fed today and, while I was zoning out as conference presenters presented model-based estimations of inflation risk premia and the like, I was struck by a series of text messages from my dumb friend, stoner Mark. Stoner Mark is in severe distress and, at the risk of exposing him to the scrutiny of the DEA, I’m going to explain his situation to you. What would you do in a situation like this?:
So stoner Mark lives in a house out in the Pacific Northwest in the kind of place where a kid with no skills could still own a house, or at least a mortgage on one (stoner Mark admits he has no skills, I’m not being mean). He lives with two other stoner friends in a wonderful stoner heaven–faded couch, magazines and bottles strewn everywhere, the 4-foot high glass bong, however, incredibly clean, Comcast on-demand, etc.–that he finances through odd jobs and mainly, of course, selling pot. Stoner Mark’s goals are low, admittedly, but he has achieved them (and who among us can even say that much? Not many). Nevertheless, stoner Mark has ambitions to pay off his house and sometimes fantasizes stonedly about getting a shanty by the beach, or a BlackBerry, or a 6 foot high bong.
Following this kind of train of thought, about a month ago or so, Mark withdrew a large portion of his savings to score a major supply that could last him for potentially many months. He was also promised very high quality ganj from the source, the kind of stuff that you could repackage a little light and still fetch full price for a vial (readers, for future reference, please keep in mind most of my friends are not like stoner Mark; they are, instead, captains of industry, shark financiers, old bull lawyers, etc.; the kind of people who wear fancy watches. Stoner Mark’s an old friend). Mark’s eyes turned green at the prospect of an elevated lifestyle. His two stoner roommates were also enthused, promising to scare up eager customers in exchange for some of the take (being old friends of his, they also pay little or no rent, so they felt they should contribute). Money in hand, he went off to meet the source in what I imagine is some wooded cove, or possibly a cave, off in the mountains. Like many things involving large amounts of cash and shadiness, the deal didn’t go quite right. Dude was shadier than first thought, he had some friends with him, there were distractions, something. Stoner Mark doesn’t want to give the details. In any case, upon returning home, he realized he had garbage bags full of what was, essentially, crap.
A couple more crucial things about Mark’s situation: firstly, as I said, he has no marketable skills. The only other thing he’s done besides cleaning gutters was using his pot money to finance a small smuggled cigarette business that helped people avoid vice taxes. Secondly, like many stoners with low self-esteem, he has rich, overbearing parents who will discipline him to a point but ultimately bail him out of any situation; this in turn grants him the illusion of independence along with a certain cavalier attitude that often melts into sheepish denial when the risks he takes don’t turn out right. This has made him an annoying but somehow exciting friend to have. His roommates are of broadly the same type. Nevertheless, a few problems have arisen with his MO: his parents are nearing retirement and have lost a lot of their nest egg in the financial crisis, so their bailout next time will mean he moves home; stoner Mark is also a ladies man so this won’t fly.
Stoner Mark is, therefore, in a panic. Either he finds some way to off the pot, eats the loss and tries to survive, which would probably result in him having to either get more remunerative roommates or give up his house, or he fails in offing the pot at a sufficient rate to stay on his feet and ends up with his parents. He could risk his dignity and ask his parents for a loan which could possibly allow him to buy some good pot to mix in with the bad and sell that, maybe; but this sounds like a long shot, and involves more debt. His roommates have by now found out about the situation (they were in denial at first, trying to sell the stuff to their friends, some of whom bought it, but many of whom figured out it was crap). Mortgage payments are coming due in a month and there’s nothing left in the bank to pay up.
I learned about this situation because Stoner Mark, who I don’t talk to all that often, called me up last week to essentially ask for a loan. His parents also called me out of concern after a recent trip to his house. My head says no loan but alas the heart says yes, but I figure I’m only buying him time (I could also tell I was at the end of a long list of people he was hitting up). He’s since called back for advice, as if I’d know what to do.
Dear readers, what should Mark do? He’s got a house full of crap pot, no money, and bills coming due. He balked at my advice of throwing himself on his parents mercy, moving home and getting his life back together. He actually got defensive about it, being all like “what kind of man do you think I am?”, a question I didn’t answer. My second piece of advice was to use the time he bought himself by taking my money to start figuring out how to get rid of the roommates. He’s since got rid of one, cleverly clearing out the converted garage the kid was living in to rent out to a neighbor for their car. Stoner Mark then rapidly spent the neighbor’s first payment on a weekend in San Francisco, where he said he was going to sell pot, but I doubt it. Sometimes I think stoner Mark should just face the consequences, but alas, I am his friend (and, of course, he has no marketable skills). In any case, the parent route might not even work because his parents might have to go back to work to pay for themselves. I somehow don’t see stoner Mark at Burger King slaving to support his parents.
I also realize the irritating possibility, suggested by the San Francisco trip, that he may use my loan for something other than paying his mortgage, like buying more pot for the mixing scheme, or maybe just to smoke, or perhaps taking another vacation. He may just pocket it, or use it to keep his other stoner friend around. This would anger me greatly, but I think there’d be little I could do about it besides not make him another loan, but I am a softy. He could use it for the cigarette scheme, which wouldn’t be as bad somehow because it involves work, but I would still be angered.
If there are readers out there, please send suggestions for stoner Mark, and cc Tim Geithner.
